Birth Order Rivalry

This is a huge area of debate. We also have to remember also that different cultures and families have a range of ways of growing up. Often people think that the oldest will be more responsible, the middle child will be more placid and the youngest can be spoilt. When this is true, and it is definitely not always true I think it's a more the result of how parents raise the kids that something innate in the kids themselves.

Q. So are the eldest more responsible? A. Depends on the family, age differences and personality of the child. Often the oldest for instance spends more time in adult company due to having no siblings so their language can develop a bit earlier as they are use to adult conversations. Also they are often told by the parents to look after your brother or sister thereby appearing more responsible. By their early teens they may be baby sitting their younger siblings as well. All this does create more responsibility.

Q. So what about the more children a parent has the more spoilt they become?
A. This is not always true. What does happen though is that parents tend to be over cautious with their first born but by number three or more they are far more relaxed. This in part can mean that they younger children are less instructed by parents and as well as looking to their parents they look to the other siblings.

Q. So what are some cultural differences that affect the way siblings are brought up? A. These range from the different expectations based on the gender of the child to different expectations based on their ages. Some examples include; The oldest child being given to a grandparent to raise, boys being encouraged to get out and Girls expected to work at home, the oldest child being punished for the wrongdoings of the younger children.

Q. So when there is so called rivalry does the birth order make a difference?
A. Yes in part. Sometimes it's nothing more than the older sibling being physically stronger. They can also be more aware and possibly a bit more independent. Remember also that busy parents can struggle to manage a full house with the range of expectations they face from their kids. A fairly common response is to tell the oldest to sort themselves out and focus on the youngest who seem to have the biggest needs.

Q. So how do parents help teens sort out the rivalry stuff?
A. First remember conflict if handled well is positive not negative. It should never be violent or nasty. If handled well it's the best place to learn how to relate well and handle conflict. Secondly it's important that parents realise that the children notice how they are treated differently. These differences need to be realised and if necessary changed.